If you have known me for any amount of time, you may be aware that is am like a delicate wild flower - sensitive to the world around me.
Given that it seems to be springtime, it seems that sartorial modes are in transition as people adjust the warming temperatures.
People are getting out their god damned flip flips.
I have, on previous occasion, opined regarding the heinous assault my visceral senses endure from an exposure to flip flops.
I state again, I do not care for flip flops.
The hairy man toe knuckles.
Grime crusted, callused foot skin.
The sound of sweaty sole, separating and rejoining with foot bed.
Kathwap, kathwap, kathwap, kathwap, kathwap, kathwap, kathwap, kathwap, kathwap, kathwap, kathwap...
Oh, merciful God, I shiver just thinking about it.
But I do not want to come across as being intolerant.
By all means, wear your foot thongs - bear your icky feet to the whole world.
This year, I have even added some situations when I will not be outwardly hostile about your choosing to wear what may be the greatest footwear abomination in history.
Just remember these fashion rules of flip flops:
It is acceptable to wear flip flops when traversing ground between a water amusement (i.e. pool, water slide, snorkeling) and your real shoes. Note-real shoes should be kept within 12' of the waters edge.
If you are a native Pacific islander, flip flops are acceptable - on island only.
You can wear flip flops if you are an actor in an adult feature film production, while traveling from dressing room to scene and back. (I am probably creeped out by more than your feet, so I added this scenario to my list.)
Flip flops are fine, if you are more than 250 miles from my location.
You may wear flip flops if your only other option is to stuff your feet in rotting possum carcasses, while trekking to a shoe store to buy some real shoes.
I put these guideline before you in an effort to make the world a better place...
For all of us.
There, see?
I am totally chilling out on flip flops, this year...
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1 comment:
Perhaps it is due to the shared experience of a typical Midwest upbringing, I too abhor flip flops. Whereas, you have only begun to experience the seasonal affront to your Midwest sensibilities, here in the soon to be reconstituted Republic of Texas (if Rick Perry and the Teabaggers get their way), I face this every day of the year.
May I add the following circumstances whereupon the wearing of flip flops are acceptable:
1. While in a locker room. Note that it is IN the locker room, not while walking to or from the locker room, but within the confines of the locker room.
2. For the ladies, in the immediate aftermath of any type of pedicure involving nail polish.
3. In the privacy of your own homestead. Contrary to some recently expressed Beckian opinions, it's still the USA, not some Nazi, Socialist, Fascist, or Communist dictatorship. You can wear what you want in your own home.
Otherwise, please put on some proper shoes.
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